When in quarantine...

Here is a picture of a sunset that illuminates my wall. Aka the only in-real-life sunset I can witness at the moment.

Today is officially day six since I started my quarantine. That being said, it could be day three, or even day nine. This confusion is not due to my lack of talent in maths, but rather with how unclear guidelines are.

My boyfriend tested positive last week and I have been quarantining ever since Friday, in the same flat as we live together but isolating from him. I took a test on Monday, which turned out to be negative.

But yet after a few calls to different doctors and one to the health authorities, we still do not have a clear exit date as we are living together. Somehow no one knows if we should be starting counting from his test results, from my test results, from the onset of his illness... As I am writing, we are awaiting a phone call and an email from the authorities with hopefully a clear answer.

That is the first confusion and reality of quarantine. I would say that it reflects this ongoing Covid epidemy and crisis we are all facing: no one knows what to do, no one knows when it is over, and we are all trying to navigate it as we can.

Though we are lucky. My boyfriend did have a slight fever and lost his smell in the following days, but that is it. No cough, no bad fever, no shortness of breath. How I did not catch it remains a mystery to him and me, and we continue to isolate from each other until we are entirely sure that his illness is gone.

It all means that last Sunday I spent most of my birthday by myself. He could at times come to the same room as me, while both of us were wearing masks and all the windows remained open (always great given the negative temperatures in Munich at this time of the year). Though I understand the need for quarantine and respect it, it has been a very difficult time, and it somehow feels unfair as we did respect all government guidelines, only met one other household, washed our hands, and wore the masks.

A lot of mental confusion arises from quarantine. After the initial shock and despair that comes with the news, coupled with the worry of the symptoms of your boyfriend degrading, the fear of catching it yourself, and the fear for your mental health as you are separated from your close ones, you just have to face it, having no idea on how to approach it.

The first few days were a mix of strong emotions, happiness from him getting better and receiving a lot of lovely messages as I turned 27, and then a few hours later profound despair at the thought of being stuck with no end in sight, and the sensation that my life now is only about work work work or sitting on my sofa and not being allowed to even hug my live-in partner.

It did feel at times like a bad dream. We were supposed to be on holidays, hiking in the mountains and enjoying the snow, and making the most of what was a needed break after months of overly intense work and very stressful times. But as his results came in, we felt condemned. What did we do to deserve this? Why us since we have been respecting all the guidelines? Why now when we were supposed to finally be allowed to have fun?

And as I am writing this, I still feel hurt and sad about it. There has also been the stigma associated with a case of Covid. A sort of a witch hunt as well, who got it first, who is responsible. To this day we don't know how he got it, and I do think that we are not the only ones at a loss when it comes to how it first spread. The consequences of a positive test for the entourage, for colleagues... It is all a lot of mental pressure, and a certain sense of shame and guilt, which I wish to no one. My negative results were not only a relief for myself and my boyfriend, but also for the very few people I have been in contact with.

But there have been many, more positive times during this quarantine. Again, we are lucky. We are both alive, and that feels like a luxury considering how devastating Covid can be. We have a lot of space, and the possibility to each have our room to spend the day separately. We have lovely friends who proposed straightaway their help for groceries and such.

In the moments of luck, I have seen this quarantine as the occasion to explore what I want to do in life. I have been painting, I have been writing, taking care of my plants, and trying out new combos and figures on my home pole. I have been reconsidering a lot the directions I want to take with my life, and enjoyed relaxing baths, stretching seances and Netflix binging. I could even enjoy the sight of snow falling while being warm and cozy in my living room. I have tried to improve my German skills and caught up with long-distance friends.

These moments make it all a bit bearable, especially when you feel stuck in a deep hole and try to remember that actually, it will get better, and these emotions are only passing. This quarantine is a mix of ups and downs, and it reminds me of the song across the universe by the Beatles "Pools of sorrow, waves of joy are drifting through my open mind...".

One minute you are panicking, I remember this especially while queuing for the Covid test, with a lovely lady behind me smoking and coughing, obviously mask free despite mine and others numerous attempts at getting her to obey the rules. I had my mask, my hydroalcoholic gel, a scarf above my mask and all the clothes I was wearing that day are either on the balcony or washed at 60 degrees.

The other minute you are just bored, trying to find things to kill the day, with every single potential activity just sounding boring.

Then you might be overactive, deep cleaning everything with strong disinfectants, ordering and creating all the Christmas presents for your relatives.

The hour after you will be relaxed, feeling like you have accomplished a lot of things.

And before bed you may be completely at a loss, sad and irritable, trying to not pick up a fight with your partner over petty things while really wanting to get a hug or a kiss, which is not allowed.

The next morning comes, and who knows what this day brings.

After writing this post I am now in a calmer state in comparison to when I first started writing it. I always find the process of writing quite useful to take distance from a situation, observe it and why not change your mindset about it. It is as if the emotions are flowing through the fingers onto the keyboard. And the editing process is the perspective you need on your situation.

Here were my thoughts on day six, three or nine. I am rather positive now and feeling good. Let's see what the future brings, and when I will be able next to throw a snowball at my poor boyfriend.