On cultural differences: The French complainer vs the German fixer

We are versing a bit into cliché territory here, but bear with me, there is a point to it.

Sneak-snap of a Regensburg sunset

Right. That the French people have mastered the art of complaining is not a groundbreaking statement. Numerous articles have been written about it, including this one I strongly recommend.

As a French complainer myself, I approve of the content of that article. It's raining, I complain about it. It's warm outside, I complain about the temperature. The sunset in the pic on the left is not pink enough. There is always a good reason to complain. Or rather, to vent.

This really was never a problem up until I moved to Germany. I probably annoyed my international friends with it in the past, but I think it never confused anyone as much as it did with my German entourage.

Because when I say complaining, I mean doing so lightly. The bus took too long, the food was too expensive for what it was, the comment from a manager was annoying, and there are too many slow people walking in front of me, or so. I don't complain with the aim of fixing it, I just state the fact and expect a sort of approval. Something French people naturally understand. "Non mais c'est clair", "Mais tellement !",'"Putain mais oui" (yes this last word also works for approval, depending on the tone and context, but can work.

Therefore, if I say that it is too warm outside, I expect as an answer: "Yes true, it's really super warm these days," and not, "You are wearing jeans, that's why," or "Let's sit in the shadows".

And here is where it gets tricky in Germany: the two past statements being straight out of my German boyfriend's mouth (it's only love). When I expressed my complaints, the last thing I wanted was someone to try and fix it.

No, I wanted a simple nod or a sign of acknowledgment, not even agreement. It could have sparked a conversation as well on the general theme. Too warm > climate warning. Too rainy > let's talk about the next sunny destination to travel to. Train too late > Yes the Deutsche Bahn should really get their crap together. Or simply, I want to sit with my passing annoyance or anger, and be heard.

Venting is not only an art of conversation but also of processing the emotions or negativity associated with what we complain about. In the article mentioned above, it is stated that it is also a sort of duel you undertake with the person you are speaking with. I don't fully agree with that point.

To me, we vent, as the very act of putting words onto it and looking for acknowledgment will usually fix the negative emotions. It's out there, we talk about it, we process it, and in the process, it even creates a bit of a bond and a feeling of relating with the person we speak with.

Now, in Germany, if you start complaining, the urge to fix shows up. As in, the end goal of the conversation has to be a result, a fix, and the conversation can not be the processing itself.

So here you are, you - French - feel ignored because your feelings are not acknowledged. You - German - feel confused because your nice proposal to help is met with a frown and anger. Now, both are unhappy and far from relating.

And do you know what? This difference in reaction is also something you can find in the language. Here you can read a great article about how the German language structure is goal-oriented whereas English is more action-oriented, and how this translates into behaviours.

If you understand French, you can read this study about other cultural differences as reflected in the German and French languages: click here. As someone working with words, I find this fascinating! I especially recommend the bit about differences in negotiation :').

Surely, there are a bunch of other reasons that could explain this difference in attitude and perception. Let's also insist on the fact that these are big general statements, that everyone is different, and that the only reason why I write about it is that this experience is mine, and also shared by my French friends in bi-cultural relationships.

Good news though, us trying the being adult thing and a pandemic requiring lots of communication efforts, we realised that there is a good way to avoid such disagreements, which can be applied to a ton of other situations: if you're a complainer venting to a fixer, state clearly what your aim is before diving into said venting. Simple as that AND super important for any relationship, I'd even argue.

"I just want to express something, I'm not looking for a fix or a solution," or "I am going to vent now!". That's how we proceed with my boyfriend now and fix this specific type of communication issue.

Now let's test the German patience and stoicism with the amount of incoming French venting! 👀