Why living abroad means juggling identities

There is the "you" from your origin country. And then you move abroad, building a new "you". And you move again, here is another "you". But what happens when you come back to the place that has not seen you grow?

After a long hiatus, I am back on track with inspiration and experiences to put into words. Being completely vaccinated, I felt comfortable enough to go back to France for a while this summer, and meet up with family and old friends. And experience once again a trip down memory lane, a trip mirroring an old version of myself, the one that grew up in Paris.

I often ponder about how many different versions of me exist in peoples' minds. Sometimes for stupid reasons, like when I believe that I have ridiculed myself at a party, fallen while walking, or while I am talking during a zoom class. I then wonder how my boyfriend perceives me, how my family does and how all my friends do.

This tends to happen especially when I go back to Paris, the city that has seen me evolve from a child to an angsty teen, before seeing me fly away aged 18 to a new promising life in London. The Val who grew up there was a shy bookworm, turning red on any occasion that involved speaking in public, being bullied at school because of that, and her good marks. Quite unsociable to sum it up.

Fortunately, this old version also had lovely and trustworthy friends, a thriving imagination, and a passion for learning. Following a very tough life event, this version decided to leave France to move to London to study journalism there. This was the perfect opportunity to experience life in a new context, to "start fresh". When you move abroad, you have the opportunity to experience yourself as a blank canvas. Sure, you are not entirely a new person, and you come in with your qualities, flaws, weaknesses, and strengths. But none of the people you will meet knows that at first.

The blushing and the shyness remained part of the London version. But a whole new level of self-confidence slowly arose. This was fed by the ability to express myself in a language that was not mine, a language whose newness I could use to be more assertive, more communicative. I always felt more confident presenting in English than in French. This could be because perfection was not expected from me then as a non-native speaker. It could also be because I had no negative experience of public speaking in English. The London Val got her first serious job, still felt a bit shy and lacked confidence in her skills, but this Val had a bigger friend circle, a very happy social life, and experienced no bullying.

And then came the moments where this London persona went back to Paris to visit family and meet up with old friends. And found herself treated like the old version because the entourage had not witnessed the growth, the changes, which is totally normal. It was often a conversation point with fellow international students and friends.

Here comes an interesting process because as much as your personality grows, as different as you feel, people will always treat you like the one person they know. That is unless they grow by your side. It was always tricky to navigate those situations, such as a party with unknown people, where I knew I would be much more confident dealing with it in London, but quickly found myself acting like my old self while in Paris. To this day (years later), I still do not feel myself 100% in my old context.

London pretty much shaped my confidence, as it proved to me that I could perfectly live in and adapt to a complicated city. It made me realise that I was skilled, that I had a lot to offer, and, more importantly, that I am a person deserving of having friends and be loved. I remained the same person, but felt like a big part of old shy me was going away.

Rich of this confidence, London Val moved to Dublin and received yet again an upgrade. This time shyness was still existing but in a much lower, tuned-down capacity. Social life was at its peak, alongside a thriving academic life. Dublin became synonymous with social life and fantastic studies, alongside a profound sense of belonging and happiness. And of course, this transcribed in my personality as well. It became almost an antithesis to what I had been growing up, and I truly felt like myself. The person I always felt I could be, but could not have been in another context, if that makes sense.

This happy Dublin person ended up leaving the city for a long list of reasons, and found themselves plunged back in France, far away from the good friends and undertaking a perilous project: getting a driving license. And here something very strange happened, all the confidence and assertiveness that belonged to London and Dublin were lost.

A solid mix of being treated like a child by the driving school, feeling helpless in difficult situations with a teacher, and being unable to improve the situation led to a sort of downgrade. Add to this a job search, which like any involved a fair share of rejections, all the confidence gained dropped. Was it all a façade then? Did that mean that my identity and personality are part of a context? This threw me in a spiral of self-doubt, as the person I worked so hard to build vanished within a few months. Maybe it was not me in the end. I will always remain this unsociable child who found solace in books and music.

Fortunately, this situation came to an end. Driving license in the pocket, I moved to Munich to join my boyfriend and work there. As I was abroad and healing slowly from the negative driving school experience, my confidence levels slowly came back. They have been deeply challenged by the world pandemic, by a very demanding work context, by being unable to see my friends who knew me the most. But I know that they are back up.

Being in Munich, and experiencing a different context and way of living, I am now morphing into the Munich version of myself. I can already see changes, from the total absence of make-up on my face, the new care I take for my health, to a more direct approach to communication. I have already explored a bit how Germany changes you here.

So now to round up nicely this little trip through mind and time: my trip to France this time around felt different. I felt like the new me was more accepted and seen there, that maybe this pandemic-provoked absence meant that we all changed away from the public eye and that everyone was more ready to see and accept it. Or maybe it was an internal change of perception. Maybe it is simply that in the end, I have become who I want to be and people can perceive it.

What is your take on it? And have you experienced something similar?